Question No. 9 Breaking Up With My Hairdresser

I have had my hair cut and colored for 25 years by a woman who works out of her house. For most of those years, I was very satisfied with the cuts, and especially her color talents (Haven't  colored my hair in 10 yrs).  For the last few years (5?) I have been dissatisfied, and have voiced my concerns, but basically leave each time with a cut I dislike. I found someone who does a great job, and I am happy to pay the price for a cut that I don’t have to moan about.

My problem is that I feel so bad!  I have cheated on my long term 25 yr stylist (LOL) in the last few years and gotten a cut from someone else (when long term stylist has been sick, or out of town, etc.) It was obvious that long term stylist wasn’t happy about it when I returned. I don’t want to go back to long term stylist, but I feel like I should text her and thank her for all the years? I feel like just not asking for an appointment is like ghosting her? She last cut my hair on March 30, and since I have not set up an appointment since then, she must know I am not coming back, or wonder about it? What to do?

—Cheating On My Stylist

PERSPECTIVE #1: jean

Dear Cheating On My Stylist,

This is a real dilemma! 25 years is a long time. If my calculations are correct, she was on a roll for 20 of those years before things headed south. My advice on whether to reach out to her hinges on one question: You have known this person for 25 years. Do you consider her a friend? 

As for your hair, it seems you gave her a few years of trying with multiple rounds of feedback, and yet the situation did not improve. As long as you were clear each time on what you did not like about your haircut, I feel that you did your due diligence. A comparison point for you: I was seeing a stylist for 5 years, and she occasionally did a great job, most of the time a fine job, and occasionally a mediocre job. She did fine enough for me to continue seeing her twice or so a year. Then ONE TIME she gave me a Rachel Green haircut IN 2019 (I did not ask for this) and I never went back to her again. I did not “ghost” her because technically to ghost someone means you stop responding to their texts or calls. I simply never made another appointment. 

If you consider her a friend, I would reach out and be honest about the situation—that you like your hair cut by a different stylist now, but that you appreciate the haircuts she’s given you over the years, especially the relationship you’ve built/the conversations you’ve had/[add personal substitute for what you two shared here] and would like to stay in touch. A nice touch might be flowers. And then if you don’t hear from her—well, at least you extended the gesture.

If you don’t consider her a friend, I would just let it go. No sense in reminding her of the rejection, as by now she’s gotten the hint. Let it go, but also forgive yourself for the guilt you feel. You tried, and it didn’t work out. You only live once, and your hair is uniquely you--an expression of your one and only life! You get to choose who cuts it, and how.

Yours truly,

Jean

Denny, Sunnie, or Jean — Denny and Sunnie are retired Korean American boomers who are also ex- husband and wife. Jean is their daughter.

PERSPECTIVE #2: rose

Dear Cheating On My Stylist,

I have been mulling this question over in my mind for quite some time, trying to decide what to suggest. My initial instinct is, and always is, to be up-front -- to show someone you care enough to be honest with them. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized my own behavior in this realm belies this instinct. In part because of all of the places I have lived the past 20 years, I have had so many different stylists. With nearly all of them, I developed a rapport. And with entirely all of them, I moved or changed stylists without any sort of a goodbye. 

I guess the stylist-customer relationship lives in the squishy area that mixes the professional and the personal, which is always complicated. It is easier when things are strictly transactional, but any time you have repeated interactions with another human being, things can easily shift into a space where feelings come into play. I think this is only natural! We are social beings, after all.

And so, at the risk of personal hypocrisy, I do still think my advice is to give a little closure to the relationship after 25 years. It could even be as simple as sending a handwritten note thanking her for all of the years and letting her know how much you enjoyed getting to know her (if that is true!). Somehow, even though it is similarly one-directional, snail mail feels more personal and sincere than sending a text. If you are really brave, you could give her a call, but to me that sounds fairly awful for both of you. There are some things that do not really call for a conversation, and a stylist breakup feels like one of them. 

Good luck to you! I think you are very right to find a stylist that suits you, even if it means hurting someone's feelings. Unsatisfying, guilt-fueled haircuts wouldn't be good for you or your former stylist anyway! 

Sincerely,

Rose

Rose is a gray haired and wise future version of one of the many middle-aged Sarahs in Flyover Country.

PERSPECTIVE #3: DELTA

Dear Cheating On My Stylist,

You’ve essentially been in a long-term relationship, longer than many relationships premised on qualities other than hair! You might not have formally committed for the long term early on, but 25 years later, it’s clear that your relationship is not your typical service transaction. Hair is very personal!

At the root of your question is another: How does one break off a long-term relationship? Think about thanking her for all the years with a genuine show of appreciation that feels right to you. If you’d like to close things out in person, could you take her out for coffee or bring her flowers? Or send her a handwritten note of thanks with delicious chocolates or a gift box? Tell her you’ve appreciated her skill and acknowledge all the years you’ve spent together. No need to lie — if you’re saying anything it should be the truth. (It might not need to be the whole truth; you don’t necessarily need to restate that you haven’t liked her cuts for years now.) Your hair and hence your needs have changed over time, and you’re exploring new directions. If you want to end on a high note, you might mention that you’ll continue to send folks her way who would appreciate her particular color talents.

At the end of the day you’re not ending a marriage or a lifelong friendship, exactly — but neither is this an occasion for the fleeting “Thanks!” you’d give the barista who just made your coffee. Seeing someone regularly for 25 years does warrant acknowledgment — as with all things hair, it calls for more than just cutting it off! Good luck!

Warmly, 

Delta

Delta is a curious observer and dedicated student of humans and their intriguing ways.