Question no. 6: Should I quit social media?

—Everyone

Perspective #1: Rose

Dear Everyone,

All I have are questions back to you, not answers. Why do you think perhaps you should quit social media? How much do you use it? When do you use it? Where do you use it? Why? 

If you were to tell me you stare blankly into your phone while your cooing baby wiggles chubby arms and searches for your gaze in front of you, then that would be one thing. 

If you were to tell me you find yourself in a time warp every evening on the couch, silently sitting next to your partner while each of you traces a thumb on a dirty little screen scrolling through photos of familiar strangers, then that would be one thing. 

If you were to tell me you are lonely and use social media to find connection, then that would be one thing. 

But maybe that is not what you would say. And even if you did say those things, I still might urge you to rethink those particular practices, not necessarily suggest you give up the entire pursuit of social connection in digital spaces. My recommendation is simply to use social media with intention. This is so much harder than it sounds. 

As a general rule, social media platforms are designed to prevent you from acting with intention. They are built to push you to mindlessly spend more minutes within their digital spaces, to crave the tiny dopamine injection you get when someone casually likes your image or comment. They are built to manipulate you. Knowing this is important because it signals just how hard you must work if you want to enter and stay within these spaces while retaining intentionality. You must suit up in a full wetsuit and goggles, take a huge breath, and then jump in and fight the current for a few minutes. And then you must get back out. 

It seems a little sad to think that nearly the entire digital ecosystem has been overrun by companies who are, unwittingly or not, making it harder for us to live our best lives. But of course this is nothing new. The same can be said when you step into a giant mall (remember malls?) or sit through a blitz of commercials on live TV (remember TV ads?). 

We all like to believe we are creatures of free will—unpredictable and not easily manipulable. We are all wrong. 

But all is not lost! You can still find ways to have a digital presence, to peer into the lives of far-flung friends, to socially connect with someone you love using technology. Just suit up and prepare to fight the tide. 

Sincerely,

Rose 

Rose is a gray haired and wise future version of one of the many middle-aged Sarahs in Flyover Country.

Perspective #2: Jean

Dear Everyone!

This is a very hard question for me. Some context -- 

Up until January of this year, I was the QUEEN of social media, especially Instagram. I had a love affair with Instagram that lasted the better part of my love affair with Los Angeles. I am still in love with Los Angeles, but that’s because the city lets me be to do my thing, gives me space, doesn’t lurk, doesn’t crave my attention and scatter it to the skies. 

The primary reason I quit Instagram (and Facebook, though that was less of an issue for me), and why I still have Twitter and TikTok, is the nature of my relationship with the platform. I was addicted. I would compulsively check it whenever I had a free moment, which, when one is partially employed and trying to focus more fully on their creative endeavors, is both an attention and time suck. And that’s not even the reason I ultimately disabled it at the start of the year. I had soundtracked a Christmas video with a Prince song, and when Instagram flagged it, but did not flag my partner’s infringing video, I disabled my account in a fit of rage at the injustice I had suffered. 

So I quit social media, and for a month I felt so free. And then the pangs of longing for the platform returned. But I persevered, and now it’s four months later and I am living an entirely different life from the one I lived in 2020. Granted, my quitting social media did not cause certain life changes, but coincided with them. Like moving to a new neighborhood, getting new clients/jobs, or even achieving certain creative milestones. But I think it did influence how I went about doing those things, and the focus and attention I was able to pay them that may have accelerated their progress. Most of all, I was free from an addiction, which created room for the other avenues in my brain to reopen, which then led to new worlds that I was free to explore. These spaces, and the freedom to explore them, were something I knew I had been missing, but was willing to trade for the Pavlovian nature of the app, because I’m not going to lie -- IG and the people I shared my life with through it have brought me great joy and connection over years. 

Did I miss this social connection and joy when I left? Oddly -- No. Maybe it’s something about the way the app has evolved (more commercial, more ads, and more addictive with that endless scroll), but I felt a huge sense of relief instead. And though I missed seeing updates from more periphery contacts (old acquaintances, friends and family with whom it is easier to stay in touch with through images), I found my brain organically sorting and surfacing certain people to reach out to directly. And I felt more connected to these friends than before. I even made new friends with old friends with whom I had lost touch, because direct communication leads to deeper and more wide ranging conversation on the things in life that really matter to me. 

I want to say I’ll stay off social media forever, but that would be a lie. I am still on Twitter and TikTok, but I am on them sporadically, to (respectively) keep my finger on the pulse of what’s going on in the world, and tap into cultural trends of the more conscientious Gen Z (who I think might be the ones to save us from ourselves). If I return to IG, it will be because I was able to kick my addiction, and check it just as casually as I do the other apps. I don’t know that that is going to be any time soon.

So, in answer to your question -- 

I feel very strongly that addiction to anything, whether a chemical substance, a person, or an app, makes you beholden -- fetters you in some way to that thing. Which means you are not free, and freedom is something I value above probably most things in life. If you are not addicted to social media, and it brings you joy, and you can use it in moderation to keep in touch with your family and friends and strangers who you learn something from, by all means, don’t let the haters stop you! But if you’re anything like me, I might consider going on an initial fast to see what, if anything, in your life changes. Give it a week, then a month, then a couple of months. See how your perspective shifts, how mental worlds open up for you that you forgot existed. 

Yours truly,

Jean

Denny, Sunnie, or Jean — Denny and Sunnie are retired Korean American boomers who are also ex- husband and wife. Jean is their daughter.

Perspective #3: Delta

Dear Everyone,

The question of how to answer your question has been rolling around in my brain for many days. I find myself ready with more questions: How do you feel when you use social media? How do you like to spend your time? How do you use social media—do you use it to get inspired or to communicate meaningfully with people in your circles, or do you gobble it up in a zoned-out state, like a family-sized bag of candy that disappeared hand-to-mouth before you knew what was happening? 

Social media is a product, it’s a business. It’s designed to keep you wanting to be there, to feel like you’re missing something if you’re not scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, seeing and responding and posting and checking. Social media, in the way we think of it today, has only existed for about fifteen years or so. Before then, you had your close friends and their phone numbers and addresses, and you bumped into other people in your life in your neighborhood or at the park or at parties or at the grocery store in your hometown over the holidays or at the doctor’s office or on vacation. You saw them if you saw them, and maybe you would catch up, and at other times they might not be a significant part of your life. Now, all those people have a way to tell you everything they’re up to, and you can follow along if you like, see their children growing up, catch wind of their political views, and so on. Other people—distant acquaintances or celebrities or just people you don’t know in person—may function in your life essentially like actors, and you can tune in as you wish, the same way you might turn on the tv for entertainment.

I like to think about the time things take, and how I like to spend my time. My time is my choice, my life is finite. Does social media feel like fun, quality time, or like work? If there is any feeling of work about it—or perhaps a better word is obligation—give that a hard look. How we spend our days is how we spend our lives. If it does or does not feel valuable to use social media on any given day, that is information that you can use to determine your longer-term relationship to social media. When you spend time peering into your phone, does the time feel generative or restorative in some way, sending you off into new adventures of any kind? Or does the time feel empty or lost? Is there anything you are pushing off by spending time on social media; is there something else you might like to be doing with your time? If you squished all your social media minutes into a time wad, what would it be like to put that time toward another activity? There are interstitial minutes in the day, and you could put something different into those minutes—a book, a doodle, a daydream, a sniffing of the nearest lilacs—or you could even choose to leave them quiet. There’s no rule that time has to be filled, there’s no rule about having to know what every last person is doing with their own limited life-minutes. You make the rules, you decide what feels important, and you decide how to spend your days. 

Warmly, 

Delta

Delta is a curious observer and dedicated student of humans and their intriguing ways.