Question No. 4: How do you deal with negative people?
Q: I struggle with how to not let negative people/mindsets wear me down, but boy can they! How do you deal with such people/mindsets in work or friend situations?
—Anonymous
Perspective #1: jean
Hi Anonymous,
I would say that I am not always successful at this. Assuming more direct methods have been tried or are out of the question, e.g., talking to the person about it, here are a few techniques taken from behavioral cognitive therapy (BCT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), mindfulness, and Buddhism (which all have ties to) -- that have worked for me to some or greater effect:
Their reality is not my reality
Reminding myself that X person’s reality is not my reality. Their view of the world is just one view of the world; there are so many other views that when seen through, provide a much more expansive and varied perspective. It helps to zoom out.
The Mind-Train visualization
A recent technique I have used is a visualization exercise, where I recognize that it is not the negative person or even the negativity, but my reaction to it. The situation itself is not inherently negative, but rather a feeling that I have assigned it. For example, one ACT exercise (from the book, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) is to view oneself on a bridge overlooking three trains. The first train carries cars with your direct sensations and perceptions, such as the sensation of stress. The second train carries cars with your thoughts and feelings about this sensation, such as thinking, this person is so negative, or what is wrong with this person. And the third train carries cars with your additional thoughts and urges to action, such as, this person is a drain on my life, or, I need to cut this person out of my life. From the vantage point of the bridge, you see the trains moving out from under you and away. The sensations, thoughts, and urges to actions are carried away on cars. They are temporary. They are not necessarily things you can control, but you know that they will continue on; you can observe them at a distance; and over time, you can see them as neither good nor bad, but as part of the natural flow of thoughts in your brain.
Crying baby metaphor
Sometimes when I am overwhelmed by a negative feeling, be it sadness, anger, or anxiety, I just let myself be overwhelmed. The Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thích Nhất Hạnh, writes in The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, that, “If we just smile to it, it will lose much of its strength.” He uses the metaphor of a crying baby. If the negative feeling was a crying baby, would we let it cry, would we avoid and shun it? No, we would embrace the baby, face it directly and soothe it, cradling it in our arms, until it eventually stopped crying. Negative feelings are a part of us; as such, they can be recognized, accepted, and embraced. “Mindfulness is the energy that allows us to recognize our habit energy and prevent it from dominating us.”
Field of protection
Another visualization exercise which I have not tried, but would like to, is imagining a blue force field or shield around me, especially when entering a potentially stressful environment. The shield helps deflect anything negative thrown my way, rendering it useless, and the field itself strips the negative thing of all potency. It simply doesn’t work within the field. When I try it, I might imagine something more exciting, like Wanda’s domain in WandaVision.
Lastly, I will say this -- everyone has a right to exist, but not everyone needs to to exist in your field of vision.
Yours truly,
Jean
Denny, Sunnie, or Jean — Denny and Sunnie are retired Korean American boomers who are also ex- husband and wife. Jean is their daughter.
PERspective #2: Delta
Dear Anonymous,
I’d suggest first bringing your thoughts to yourself: think about self-preservation. Think of letting their words and actions wash over you but not seep into you, like wearing a negativity raincoat. Is there a way for you to consider their actions as if you were a scientific observer — to listen and learn, but to remain a bit distant? (If you are a writer of fiction, you might gather your observations for use in the development of a character in some future work; if you are not a fiction writer, perhaps you might like to consider becoming one, with this person as your first character study.)
Your question alludes to the fact that there are situations where we can’t easily let people go, break up with them, cut them off — we must find some way to deal, to cope. (You can, of course, leave a relationship, or a workplace, if negative or difficult people are the norm there, but they tend to crop up in new places, too.)
You can control how you act, and you can work through your feelings. You cannot control how someone else acts and feels. But we all exist in relationship to our environments, and your presence and way of being is a part of another person’s environment, too.
In your interactions with negative or difficult people, you can try to counteract their behavior with positivity if that feels right for you. You can also limit your interactions with negative or difficult people to an amount appropriate to what needs to happen, i.e. the bare minimum (in a work context, in a family gatherings context, etc.). You could also offer an opportunity for a person to share their thoughts and feelings with you if you have bandwidth for that, and if the relationship is one that you want to preserve, to unpack, to deepen; if you care about them in a close enough way that you might want to support the possibility of mindset change. It feels loaded to use these words — if you care about them — but we don’t and can’t expend our deepest emotional energy with every person we encounter.
This person, or different people you may encounter along the way, are not expressly your responsibility — but this pivot point of how we are remains. How we are can start to reshape how others see the world. Be the person who you can be, who you want to be; we are each an example for others, whether a good example or a bad one. You are not obligated to be a good example to anyone — only to be the truest example of yourself.
Warmly,
Delta
Delta is a curious observer and dedicated student of humans and their intriguing ways.
perspective #3: Rose
Dear Anonymous,
This is going to sound harsh, but this is the place my mind goes when thinking about this question—remember we are all going to die someday. If we can hold in our minds that our time on Earth is limited, it is easier (at least for me) to know how to deal with the people around me who wear me down. I let them go, walk away, stop expending any more of my finite time or energy on a human that takes far more than they give.
Now, I realize I have assumed a lot here. First, that you can let them go, which may not be possible depending on the nature of your relationship. And second, that you want to, which is usually a decision that takes a long time to make. It is one I have made only a couple of times in my life, at least in a dramatic way where I chose to end a close friendship. Each time was a long time coming, many years of energy-draining in the books. Each time, I have never regretted my decision.
I come from a family where the standard greeting from some is, “How are you...good?” A literal erasure of your ability to express a negative emotion. Yes, this probably means my overall stamina for negativity is relatively low. But it also means I know how important it is to allow space for whatever it is my loved ones are feeling. We do not and cannot always feel good. What is behind your friend’s mindset? Could they be depressed? Have you been curious and kind in your response to their negative outlook? I know from my own experience that negativity of any kind can be contagious. We are social beings who feed off each other, for better or worse. But we don’t have to metabolize every emotion expressed to us. Sometimes people just have a case of the Grumps! Or the Mondays! Or both! And sometimes people just perpetually smell a sour scent wherever they go, and whatever they do. These are the ones to watch. Don’t run off too quickly, but don’t stick around too long either.
Sincerely,
Rose
Rose is a gray haired and wise future version of one of the many middle-aged Sarahs in Flyover Country.