Question No. 2: How do you tackle shifting motivation levels throughout the month?
Q: I find myself, at times, very stuck and not able to motivate myself to do even simple tasks such as tidying up. To be perfectly honest, I feel that a lot hinges on where I am in my monthly cycle. As I age, I find I am more affected by changes in my hormones. How are you and other women working through these moments?
—Miranda
Perspective #1: Delta
Dear Miranda,
In a version of this response, I imagined myself having it totally together and offering great advice, little gems I could pull from my pockets to pass to you. Then I was underwater for a bit, knocked out of my rowboat (off my surfboard?) by a particularly large wave of feelings and worries as I tried to navigate the current of my own shifting moods. Now my head is poking ever so slightly out of the water again and I’m back at the keyboard to see how the notes I jotted at various points over the last few weeks might lace together into some response that sounds like it came from a single human.
I have the sense that as women entered the workforce in greater numbers there was a need to suppress the nature of our bodies, the hint that mood and motivation could shift and ripple in monthly cycles. We’ve been convinced to treat our bodies as machines over the years — machines to suit other people’s needs, interests, desires — and part of being a machine has meant hiding those fluctuations in mood and motivation, endeavoring to display some consistent version of a self that is always on, open for business, responsive to other people’s needs.
Here’s one thing: I've been trying to find a way to understand, in a true and ongoing kind of way, that our bodies have no particular loyalty to the expectations of the world we live in. It’s hard to get motivated to do things, especially if the things that need doing (by someone) hold no particular interest. The potential ease of any task doesn’t necessarily make it more interesting, or less daunting. The imposed structures that we live by make themselves ever more apparent as impositions when the body simply resists. It is important to acknowledge that our bodies have their own rules.
If there is some something that simply must be done (but: give it a hard look — must it really be done? If so, can it be done in the most cursory of ways, more easily, with less effort?) that you nevertheless do not want to do, it is nice to set it aside, even if temporarily, and spend some time first doing something you do actually want to do. It can feel good, if it’s possible, to get outside and move — body reminding the brain (and the world) that it is a body, meant to move. (So many joints, so many muscles!)
More than a year ago, I was talking with an old friend I hadn’t seen in quite some time, and I responded to a question I don’t quite recall with an answer I do, that came back to me as I mulled over your words: I said that I was trying always to move closer to the things that felt good or interesting or that compelled me in some way, and to move away from the other things. I think those words apply here, too. If our bodies are machines in any way, they are machines for telling us what feels good and what feels bad, what’s interesting and what’s not, when it’s time to do and when it’s time to do something else — if we just listen.
Warmly,
Delta
Delta is a curious observer and dedicated student of humans and their intriguing ways.
Perspective #2: rose
Dear Miranda,
Due to the wonders of the particular birth control I am on, I no longer have any idea where I am in my cycle. I suppose this means I have less predictability around my moods, less method to my madness. But whether or not the bad days are tied to menses, the bad days do come.
Writer Mary Ruefle kept a cryalog during her bad days, where she tracked the number of times she cried each day during menopause. For me, cry days are more rare, and somehow they are more straightforward. It is the numb days, the motivation-less days you describe, which for me are the worst.
How to work through these moments, you ask. The question contains a bit of the answer—you move through, not over or around. This requires sitting in it for a bit, letting yourself steep, without judgment. Then after a while, it requires some movement. Literal movement to cure figurative stuckness seems a little too on-the-nose to be real, but I swear by it. I tend to prefer a long walk, but any other way of moving the body should do. Once the blood is flowing to the brain and toes, I will usually feel vibrant enough to do. The doing can be anything—reading a long form article I have been putting off, writing a few lines in my notebook, calling my mom. Once I am doing, I usually start to get unstuck, at least for a bit.
According to Mary Ruefle, menopause—when it comes—may not be so simple. (If you haven’t read her essay Pause, it’s a gem.) But even so, her words contain hope. She writes that she now finds her cryalog very funny and laughs when she looks at it. Time is a balm. That our sorrow can transform into joy, that we can make art out of our darkest days—take solace.
Sincerely,
Rose
Rose is a gray haired and wise future version of one of the many middle-aged Sarahs in Flyover Country.
Perspective #3: JEAN
Dear Miranda,
I appreciate this question so much because it helps me feel less alone. I find that when I am in the third week of my cycle, my motivation wanes and my energy levels plummet. I can also get very depressed. I know this is not the case for all women, but it has increasingly become the case for me.
One thing that has helped is tracking my cycle using an app like Clue, so that when I feel particularly fatigued and frustrated, I can see that there is a rhyme and reason for it. I also do little practical things, like take vitamin B12 and a probiotic, go for a walk to get some sun, and make sure to get magnesium in the form of almonds or some other snack. I’ve found that tofu, or another food rich in estrogen, helps ease some PMS symptoms, like bloat and anxiety. And if I can muster it, a run or workout that gets me sweaty. When I don’t want to face the world outside, a 10 minute at-home workout (I use YouTube or FitOn) helps me get going. Quick power naps, where I set a timer for 30 min and doze off for about 20, also help without ruining my sleep at night.
Most importantly, though, it’s cutting myself a break. Knowing that this period (no pun intended) won’t last forever, because nothing is forever. There is light at the end of a tunnel which is only a few days long. It helps me to understand that the fatigue is cyclical, which helps me to accept it as a natural part of the rhythms of life.
Yours truly,
Jean
Denny, Sunnie, or Jean — Denny and Sunnie are retired Korean American boomers who are also ex- husband and wife. Jean is their daughter.